Learning To Be Mom
I caught my baby’s first “mom” on video. Ironically, he wasn’t cuddled in my arms but on the floor while I tried to get in a little tune while he was in a good mood.
I’m 6 months in now. Didn’t know what it would be like on this side. I feel like I’ve travelled into outerspace or warped through a tunnel into another world. 7 months ago I was not mom. Today, I’m “mum.”
My greatest fear during pregnancy was actually about myself. Maybe it’s a little egotistical but all I could think about was how my life would change. I tried to imagine myself as a mom and it didn’t seem to fit in with my lifestyle. I like to be spontaneous and being a mom seemed like lots of scheduling, preparation, and homemaking. I like cooking but I hate washing dishes. I love wearing different types of clothing but hate laundry. There were still a lot of loose ends I was trying to fix in my life and I couldn’t comprehend how I could become a mom.
Tonight I had a revelation though. I think I could have saved myself a lot of anxiety and fear if I had just joined instagram sooner. Haha…yes. Instagram. I stumbled upon a few moms by chance and realized that there are a community of mothers just like me. For the past 6 months I’ve been trying to fit into this square of a mom I thought moms had to be. I started to wear black all the time and even contemplated getting rid of all my clothing and creating a uniform to wear everyday just to save time. Tonight, I went into my closet and had a good happy cry.
I touched my dresses and looked at all the patterns and colors I hand picked throughout the years and felt deeply within my heart that I was still the same person pre-baby, and that I could still be “mum” in the same skin.
And then it occurred to me that my son will have a personality one day, and that he may not like the type of clothing I wear, or the lifestyle I lead. O well, I guess it doesn’t matter because he’ll always be my son whether he likes me or not. What an peculiar thought.
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