I Hate Motherhood Sometimes
“I f***ing hate this,” I muttered as I struggled to pick up what felt like a hundred random objects all over the car. “What did you say?” replied my husband. “No, I just really hate picking up all this random sh** over and over. Look, there’s this random cup, there’s two and half pairs of shoes, there’s this book, there’s 3 legos, there’s this sock without its pair, there’s this unused napkin which I shouldn’t throw away but want to so I can save time,” I exclaimed. We had just pulled up to our house and my in-laws conveniently arrived 30 minutes before bedtime. Piles of random stuff lay cluttered in various pockets of the house as anxiety began to overwhelm my chest.
In this moment, I hated motherhood.
I look back on my pre-motherhood life; Tupperware lay neatly stacked with all lids in place, kitchen floors only collected dust, and my reading room was a just that, a reading room. My house is no longer this orderly space. But I must be honest. Much of my stress and anxiety is self-induced. I have five separate projects that I’m working on in addition to this life as a mother and wife. I wish they didn’t hinder my ability to parent in a more loving manner.
I struggle to create a peaceful marriage between family and career.
It’s been especially difficult these days. Work picked up, I have new clarity on projects, and I want to do everything NOW. It’s silly because as I write this, I’m reminded of my toddler who also likes everything NOW.
Growing up, my dreams didn’t include a white picket fence and a beautiful family. I envisioned art shows and traveling all over the world. At this point, one might wonder why I got married and had a child then. Well, I fell head over heels in love. Then, we had an unplanned pregnancy. Perhaps I could have put my career on hold. I could have waited until my kid grew up a little so that I could focus on him, then move onto work. Well, if the odds didn’t work out against me, then I might have considered it. The thought of maternity leave discrimination scared me. “Can a woman who leaves her career to have children really expect to get back into the workforce at a similar level? “No,” said Alexa Kerr, a careers development consultant who runs First Focus Consultants. “I think really pretty much that’s universally understood. Everyone has to accept that things will not be the same.” Although I loved sweet cuddles with my baby, I couldn’t imagine tending to the house all day long for years and then having to jump back into career mode while the industry moved forward without me.
I hate motherhood sometimes. It’s such a loaded word, heavy with responsibility. My husband and I grew up with completely different moms. In one house, mom took care of all the meals, clean-up, and upkeep. In the other, mom worked full time and shared household duties with dad.
What kind of mom am I?
I’m grateful I found great childcare during the week that I trust. I really feel they nurture my son in a way that I can’t. They remind me that it’s important to love what you do. They’re passionate about childcare and are extremely diligent. They teach me how to be a better mother. I’ve accepted that I’m going to let this village raise my son. I can’t do it alone.
As I lay in bed next to my husband at night, I said, “I’m sorry, I was just so tired and overwhelmed. I get annoyed about all the clutter that piles up everywhere.” He responded gently, “it’s okay,” and gave me a big hug and kiss. Later, he came down and helped me clean up the house. It’s silly, but I felt so much better. I get lost in all the rush and forget to communicate my feelings.
I never thought I’d have to learn how to communicate my feelings properly while teaching my two year old to do the same.
I want to raise a healthy and happy family, but realize I have help myself before I can help them. It’s just a little difficult because I want everything NOW. 🙂
Side note: I’ve been reading Janet Lansbury‘s writings and highly suggest them for anyone who is raising a toddler. I love her gentle approach to raising respectable children and have seen her methods work in my family.
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