I Hate Motherhood Sometimes

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“I f***ing hate this,” I muttered as I struggled to pick up what felt like a hundred random objects all over the car.  “What did you say?” replied my husband.  “No, I just really hate picking up all this random sh** over and over. Look, there’s this random cup, there’s two and half pairs of shoes, there’s this book, there’s 3 legos, there’s this sock without its pair, there’s this unused napkin which I shouldn’t throw away but want to so I can save time,” I exclaimed. We had just pulled up to our house and my in-laws conveniently arrived 30 minutes before bedtime. Piles of random stuff lay cluttered in various pockets of the house as anxiety began to overwhelm my chest.

In this moment, I hated motherhood.

I look back on my pre-motherhood life; Tupperware lay neatly stacked with all lids in place, kitchen floors only collected dust, and my reading room was a just that, a reading room. My house is no longer this orderly space. But I must be honest. Much of my stress and anxiety is self-induced. I have five separate projects that I’m working on in addition to this life as a mother and wife. I wish they didn’t hinder my ability to parent in a more loving manner.

I struggle to create a peaceful marriage between family and career.

It’s been especially difficult these days. Work picked up, I have new clarity on projects, and I want to do everything NOW. It’s silly because as I write this, I’m reminded of my toddler who also likes everything NOW.

Growing up, my dreams didn’t include a white picket fence and a beautiful family. I envisioned art shows and traveling all over the world. At this point, one might wonder why I got married and had a child then. Well, I fell head over heels in love. Then, we had an unplanned pregnancy. Perhaps I could have put my career on hold. I could have waited until my kid grew up a little so that I could focus on him, then move onto work. Well, if the odds didn’t work out against me, then I might have considered it. The thought of maternity leave discrimination scared me. “Can a woman who leaves her career to have children really expect to get back into the workforce at a similar level? “No,” said Alexa Kerr, a careers development consultant who runs First Focus Consultants. “I think really pretty much that’s universally understood. Everyone has to accept that things will not be the same.” Although I loved sweet cuddles with my baby, I couldn’t imagine tending to the house all day long for years and then having to jump back into career mode while the industry moved forward without me.

I hate motherhood sometimes. It’s such a loaded word, heavy with responsibility. My husband and I grew up with completely different moms. In one house, mom took care of all the meals, clean-up, and upkeep. In the other, mom worked full time and shared household duties with dad.

What kind of mom am I?

I’m grateful I found great childcare during the week that I trust. I really feel they nurture my son in a way that I can’t. They remind me that it’s important to love what you do. They’re passionate about childcare and are extremely diligent. They teach me how to be a better mother. I’ve accepted that I’m going to let this village raise my son. I can’t do it alone.

As I lay in bed next to my husband at night, I said, “I’m sorry, I was just so tired and overwhelmed. I get annoyed about all the clutter that piles up everywhere.” He responded gently, “it’s okay,” and gave me a big hug and kiss. Later, he came down and helped me clean up the house. It’s silly, but I felt so much better. I get lost in all the rush and forget to communicate my feelings.

I never thought I’d have to learn how to communicate my feelings properly while teaching my two year old to do the same.

I want to raise a healthy and happy family, but realize I have help myself before I can help them. It’s just a little difficult because I want everything NOW. 🙂

Finishing up some deadlines and and working in the kitchen with my toddler in the ergo because he wanted "up! up! up!"

Finishing up some deadlines and and working in the kitchen with my toddler in the ergo because he wanted to be held.

Side note: I’ve been reading Janet Lansbury‘s writings and highly suggest them for anyone who is raising a toddler. I love her gentle approach to raising respectable children and have seen her methods work in my family.

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Founder at Dymin Collective
Mindy Song is a mother of one, a video artist, and musician from Orange, CA. She is an advocate of social justice with interests in globalization, socio-economics, and the history of women’s rights in developing nations. By day she is a marketing specialist for a dental imaging company, milk pumper, and wannabe supermom. By night she is an asian fusion chef, art critic, and blogger.
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